I'd like to talk to you about neediness. I'd also like to talk to you about fear of intimacy. Together they make one hell of an unattractive pairing.
Research shows that our individual attachment styles fall into one of three categories. Twenty per cent of the population is the needy type. The ones that wake up in the middle of the night to check the messages on your phone. A similar proportion classifies as the avoidant type. The ones that'll ghost you the moment they sneak out of your flat in the morning, possibly with your phone.
But what if you're one of the lucky sixty per cent of so called secure ones who fall somewhere in between? You’d think you’d be kinda hot property right? Don’t count your chickens just yet. Turns out not everyone likes to live in a safe neighbourhood.
So why is it that some people have the potential to turn otherwise self-respecting human beings like ourselves into bunny boilers? And how can we change our attachment style?
Answers in the links below.
Science says it, so it's true
If you’re only going to read one article today, it HAS to be this one. Knowing these attachment styles and how to work your way around them is pure relationship gold. You can also do yourself and your future ex-spouses a huge favour by reading the book this article is based on. It’ll transform you into a living and breathing advice column for your friends to turn to.
And brownie points if you recognise these eighties bombshells.
It's not me, it's you
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might think you’re getting the better deal here. Logically there are more of you in the dating pool and rather cruelly also, your charisma and fear of closeness act like a red rag on your more anxious brothers and sisters.
You might fancy yourself as a little bit of a dandy, but don't be fooled. You're likely to be as addicted to the highs and lows that come with dating someone on the opposite side of the spectrum as your anxious lovers are.
Not tonight honey, I love you
Beating yourself on the chest for being or dating one of the lucky ones in the sixty per cent bracket? You know, the ones that are great at communicating and totally comfortable with intimacy?
Well, you are blessed my friend. Although apparently not in the bedroom. According to couples’ therapist Esther Perel all this lovey dovey intimacy is the perfect mood killer. Ouch.
Like me she’s Belgian, which means two things: she’s awesome, and she’s right.